I was inspired by some recent reading to put one of my favorite vices into prose.
I enjoy the martini quite a bit. I have collected the appropriate equipment, developed a method for delivery, and have decided that I am your de-facto expert on the subject.
I was out at a bar with friends some years ago, when this character professed to “love martinis”. My interest was piqued. He then went on to describe this silly green colored concoction called “alien zombie something something”.
I explained how that was, at it’s very best, a silly cocktail and not a martini.
He protested “It’s served in a martini glass.”
Well. It’s a cocktail glass you doof, and secondly if you served dog food and crack in a “martini” glass that wouldn’t make it a martini.
He then went off on a tangent about how “you can’t define for me what a martini is”. Yes, yes. Oppressing freedom of stupidity is a heinous crime.
Anytime something is called a martini, but doesn’t include chiefly gin or vodka and vermouth with a garnish…you are dealing with a cocktail. All those apple martinis, chocolate martinis, and other silliness are cocktails which adopt the name martini to sound more official. Like a porn star calling themselves a “model”.
These imposters are more rightly called “fru-fru” drinks. In my younger days I would have referred to these as “silly girl drinks” but time and wisdom has showed me that there are plenty of silly men drinking silly drinks too, and I shouldn’t be sexist about it.
The Martini, and I do mean the martini, not a martini. Because despite it’s many interpretations, the martini is the quint essential cocktail. It is it’s own symbol. It is roughly a century old, with origins shrouded in mystery. Not even the ubiquitous beer is as instantly recognizable.
The martini is a mixture of gin (or vodka for the uninitiated or gin-phobic) and dry vermouth. There is typically a garnish. Usually a green olive or two. Sometimes a cocktail onion, sometimes a twist of lemon, and sometimes even a ripe, black olive (the Buckeye Martini).
Some would argue that a martini with an onion is in fact a Gibson. That is like arguing that because I wear a different necktie, I should be called by a different name.
Recipes for the martini vary greatly in proportion of the core ingredients, gin and vermouth.
To argue there is a right way to mix a martini is like arguing religion. Very difficult to prove anything, and usually results in a fight.
However I think there are boundaries beyond which we should not go.
Your typical bar will rinse a glass in vermouth, throwing out all but a thin film coating the glass. To this chilled gin is added. Usually from a shaker.
This is the result of people ordering a dry martini…no dryer!…over and over again. As if a fishbowl full of cold gin is somehow more appealing than a well proportioned drink.
W.C. Fields advocated the ultra-dry martini, where the vermouth is simply stored near the gin. People take this as some kind of gospel truth, failing to grasp that Fields was a comedian who played the lovable/hatable lush throughout most of his career. A martini with no vermouth is the drink of choice for an alcoholic. It is a sophisticated bit of lush-humor by the great W.C. Fields, not a martini recipe.
A dry alcoholic beverage (wine, sprits, cocktail or otherwise) is a beverage that has a higher alcohol content. On the tongue, it can almost feel if the drink is evaporating on contact. That’s the dry part. A dry drink is a stronger drink. That of course has a certain appeal among those wishing to get hammered in a hurry. If that’s your goal, order a few shots of tequila and get down to business.
My martini calls for 3 to 4 parts gin and 1 part dry vermouth. I find that strikes a nice balance.
Too much gin, and your martini tastes antiseptic. Too much vermouth and your martini will taste like vermouth.
The idea is that the spicy, thick vermouth mingles with the clean, crisp antiseptic gin, cancelling out the negative qualities, leaving you with just the good stuff.
In a good martini you can actually taste the juniper berries in the gin. The spiciness of the vermouth is present, but not loud. The entire drink is cold, clean, and refreshing. It’s subtle. It makes an excellent aperitif, as it will cleanse your pallette.
A martini straight up is one served in the iconic cocktail glass.
A martini on the rocks is served over ice in a small tumbler or rocks glass.
A martini straight up looks great, tends to be stronger, but gets warmer faster, and is easy to spill if you’ve had more than one.
A martini on the rocks stays colder, and is less strong, which can be nice for when you want a lighter drink. However if too much ice melts the character of the drink is lost.
Which is better? Yes.
I only accept one true variation for the martini, and that is the dirty martini.
The dirty martini includes a splash or two of brine from the olive jar in the mix.
This adds a little salty character to the drink. The dirty martini can be a nice way to introduce the drink to someone who fears stronger drinks.
Variations that call for hot peppers, fruit juices, oddly colored liquors are all inching dangerously close to silly fru-fru drink territory.
If you are going to serve martinis in your home, a shaker and a couple of glasses are all you will need. Most shakers have a built in strainer-contraption for filtering ice.
You may wish to by a jigger for measuring portions until you feel confident enough to pour by ear.
You cocktail glasses should be of the smaller variety. If you go shopping for martini glasses go for the smaller 3 oz size, not the big-gulp, fish bowl size. The problem with a giant cocktail glass is the tendency to fill it up completely. A proper 3 oz cocktail looks silly in a giant glass…so people will often over do it.
This leads to hangovers and warm martinis.
There are many fine gins available. I myself like Beefeater and Gordons. Both are fairly priced and of good quality. There are certain blue-bottled brands out there which are of no better quality, but do look smashing in their blue bottle.
If you want a bottle of gin that will look good on your counter, by all means get the blue one. It won’t taste any better though. And it will cost more.
Martini and Rossi make a decent vermouth, but you can find good brands which are cheaper. I’ve tried both pricey and inexpensive vermouths, and haven’t found there to be a significant difference in martini making ability.
Whatever. Anyone who says they can tell the difference is a lying pompous twit.
Really. Specifying that a bartender stir rather than quickly and efficiently shake is just an experiment in bossing others around.
“Well James Bond said ‘Shaken not Stirred’.” Yes he did. He also makes martinis with Vodka. He’s also English. The cocktail, and the martini in particular, is an American invention. Bond simply wouldn’t know better. Never take culinary advice from the English, even if they are super cool like James Bond.
I feel martinis are best made at home by you. Bars get it wrong, assuming that you want some ultra dry Pine-Sol in a glass. Only you can tweak and adjust the proportions to suit your taste.
And should you eat the olive? Hey. Your house, your rules. If you are out in public, I would suggest only eating the olive if they provide a tasteful handle, like a toothpick or those cute plastic swords. Don’t go digging around the bottom of a wet glass looking for an olive.
